Aunt Bert cooked Thanksgiving for our family for years. Then one year, she was done.
Growing up, the holidays for the Dent family had a schedule. My Aunt Bert hosted Thanksgiving at her house and cooked for our big family. My mom made Christmas dinner. Another aunt hosted Easter. That was just how we did it.
Then, when I was in college, the family announcement came in November. Aunt Bert wasn’t cooking Thanksgiving dinner anymore. She was retired.
After getting over our initial shock, we made other plans.
Looking back, I can see Aunt Bert had entered her Grown Woman era. She wasn’t going to keep hosting just because it had always been her job. She hosted for years and she was done. No explanation needed.
The holiday load nobody sees
That brings me to this week’s Grown Woman Standard, in honor of Aunt Bert:
A Grown Woman makes a holiday she can enjoy too.
You’ve checked the menu, tracked who’s coming, remembered the food allergies, and given explicit details in the family group chat. By the time everyone sits down, you’ve spent hours making sure they’re comfortable.
What about your comfort?
That’s what holiday hosting stress usually looks like for women in midlife. It isn’t only the cooking. It’s the planning, tracking, remembering and coordinating that happens in your head for weeks before anyone sees a plate.
How do you host the holidays without doing everything yourself?
You keep what matters to you and hand off the rest.
If you want to keep hosting the gathering, then keep it. But ask each household to bring a dish (or two). Hand off the grocery run to Instacart. Ask for help with clean-up duty. Better yet, hire help to come in and clean up.
Finally, let the people who need to coordinate with each other do it themselves without you being the middle-man.
You’re allowed to make a holiday that you can enjoy too.
“But if I don’t plan it, it won’t get done”
I know. You’re the one who remembers to make the small gluten-free mac and cheese for your cousin’s kid, checks who’s bringing what, tracks everyone’s arrival time, and answers every question in the family group chat. You can already picture what happens if you stop being the family project manager.
Let’s keep it real... maybe something will get missed. Maybe dinner starts late. Maybe somebody brings the wrong thing. But does that mean you have to plan, shop, cook, coordinate, and clean up every year?
Keep what matters to you. Hand off one thing. Tell someone exactly what needs to happen, then let them handle it their way.
Or do like my Aunt Bert and send out your retirement notice.
When stepping back brings up guilt
Your family may need time to adjust. You may need help deciding what to say and sitting with the guilt that comes up afterward. That’s something we work through in weekly coaching sessions.
Imagine walking into Thanksgiving with a plan for your body and your boundaries.
Aunt Bert hosted for years, and then she decided her part was done. You get to decide what your part is too.
Jennifer Dent Brown is the founder of Luxe Life Coaching and the creator of Stop. Dieting. Forever.™ She helps women in midlife stop dieting and start losing weight by connecting the dots between hormones, metabolism, labs, and identity. She hosts the Stop. Dieting. Forever.™ podcast and writes The Grown Woman Standard, a weekly letter for midlife women. Get it in your inbox here.
This article is for informational purposes only and is not intended to diagnose, treat, cure, or prevent any medical condition. Always consult with your healthcare provider before starting any new supplement, health program, or lifestyle change.
A Grown Woman makes a holiday she can enjoy too.
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